As summer reaches it's zenith* I'm putting the finishing touches on my manuscript, with the plans to submit to agents in the fall.  Or at least, I'm trying.  To put on the finishing touches.  Because apparently, I'm the writer equivalent of a fussy parent right before a Junior Fashion Pageant: I cannot stop making last-minute adjustments!  I mean seriously, if I thought putting a little of my saliva on a tissue and wiping the face of the manuscript before sending it would somehow be helpful, I probably would.

This T-shirt is funny, because it's true. http://shirt.woot.com/derby/entry/13905/mom-spit-all-purpose-cleaner

      (Note to potential agents and editors: I PROMISE you, there are zero bodily fluids on any materials you receive from me.  Which, considering they're all electronic these days, is technically impossible, anyway.)

      This is a wonderful way to psych myself out.  I figure one of two things is going on.  Either A) this manuscript is still far from being as polished as needs to be, or B) I've already passed the point of diminishing returns, and actually making things worse.  Probably the truth is far less brutal; more than likely I would never be done, I could always find a little something to tweak here, a nice touch to add there.  Sort of like the perfect holiday menu, as time goes by and tastes shift, there are always new things to try.
      I have this dream that I will somehow bring each and every story to it's perfect state.  All the errors will be corrected, every word perfectly chosen and arranged.  Then - in this impeccable, limpid state - I will send it off to agents and editors with zero reservations what-so-ever.  And when the inevitable rejections come in, I will know it is not because of a flaw with my writing, but rather because it's not what the agents are looking for at this time.
      You like that fantasy?  Should I add a couple unicorns and a field of magic corn stalks that actually hide chocolate waffle cones inside their husks?  Because it's never going to happen, neither laws of probably nor my own psyche will permit it.  The best I can do is quadruple-check for spelling errors and pray I didn't over-use my semi-colons.
      I've got a ways to go yet, I'm only about 60% done researching agents for this round (can't use the same ones as the last manuscript, because this is a very different genre), and then I'll need to suffer my way though a synopsis.  Again.  And then compose query letters.  Again.
      Apparently, you can't be a writer without being a little bit of a masochist.



*Yeah, yeah, I know that's not technically the correct use of the word, but "zenith" is just too awesome a word not to slip in from time to time!

      Farmer's markets are a great place to find non-traditional produce.  Heirloom tomatoes with their bizarre shapes and colors are a great example of a farm stand phenomenon that's now snuck it's way into all the high-end restaurants and grocery stores.  Another one?  Purple carrots.

Enjoyed by mauve rabbits everywhere.

      When I was a kid, carrots were orange.  Period.  Now, they can be white, pale yellow, peachy-orange, construction-cone orange, or blood orange-orange.  They can even be red, or an undeniable shade of grape purple!  These last ones are my favorites.  Some of them are really orange with purple skins.  Others are purple all through the outer ring, and only orange at their core.  The cross-sections are gorgeous in a salad.  And - being me - I started to wonder how that would translate to a dessert.
      What about purple carrot cake?  I asked myself.  Would it be purple?
      I suppose I could have just looked this up online, but where's the fun in that?  I have my grandmother's recipe for carrot cake, and I know it tastes delicious.  Purple carrots have slightly less sugar than orange carrots, but I don't mind a minor decrease in sweetness.  I've had cake made with beets before, and the color, texture, and taste were all great!  So, I got myself a bunch of purple carrots, waited for a relatively cool day to rev up my oven, and got baking.
      The result was...a partial success.  Flavor and texture were flawless: everything one could want in a carrot cake.  But the color turned out beige, with indigo flecks in it.  Definitely not purple.  I suppose in retrospect I could have tried puréeing the carrot so that more of the juices would get into the batter, but I suspect this still would have baked into a more grey-ish hue.  So alas, a purple cake made from purple carrots is, as yet, unknown to my table.  But that doesn't mean the recipe doesn't darn well taste great, so here it is, and I hope you enjoy!

Z.D.'s Carrot-of-any-Color Cake

Ingredients:
1 C vanilla sugar
3/4 C canola oil
1 tsp vanilla
2 eggs
1 & 1/2 Cups sifted AP flour
1 & 1/2  tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp kosher salt
1 & 1/2 Cups finely shredded carrots (about five large carrots)
1/2 Cup chopped pecans
8 oz. cream cheese, softened (for frosting)
1/2 C beer caramel sauce (for frosting)

Directions:
 - Preheat the oven to 335º F.  Grease and flour a 9 x 11" cake pan, at least 2 inches deep.
 - In the large bowl of a stand mixer, beat together the sugar, oil, and vanilla on med-high speed.  Once the mixture is well combined, beat in the eggs, one at a time, allowing at least one full minute of mixing time after each egg.
 - Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon and salt.  Turn down the mixer speed to low, and alternate stirring in portions of the shredded carrots and the dry mixture.  Beat until just combined.

Much prettier than the finished product, truth be told.

 - With a wooden spoon or rubber spatula, stir in the nuts until well distributed.  Pour batter into prepared pan, and bake 30 - 35 min, or until toothpick comes out clean.

Yeah, purple carrot purée might have worked better.  Next time?

 - Place cake on a rack to cool.  Meanwhile, beat together the softened cream cheese and the beer caramel sauce until it creates a smooth frosting.  Store in fridge until cake is fully cooled, then spread evenly over the top.

      Obviously this makes a lovely dessert.  Or, if you're the kind of person who likes to eat dessert for breakfast, pair this with a meaty scramble and a bowl of fresh summer berries.  And congratulate yourself on finding such a nice way to get your veggies in the morning!

      A couple weeks ago I mentioned picking up the latest book by New York Times Bestselling Author, Ernest Cline.  His first novel - Ready Player One - was a geek girls dream, a fabulous mix of science fiction, coming-of-age drama, and nerd nostalgia.  I was deeply impressed, so of course I pre-ordered his second novel, Armada, and of course I didn't pass up an opportunity to have him sign it in person!

      I made a point of finishing the book before Cline was scheduled to appear at The Book Loft last night.  I have some thoughts about the novel, but I'll get to that later--for now let me gush about how cool it was to meet the author!  Having once lived in Columbus himself, Cline was an enthusiastic guest, and he spoke for about forty minutes before heading inside to sign books.  He primarily talked about his journey in becoming a writer, which I was eager to hear for several reasons.

This is a man who speaks with plentiful gesticulation and a very expressive face--the BEST kind of speaker!

      The main reason?  If you're serious about becoming a published novelist, you've doubtlessly heard that you should start with short stories.  Enter this competition, try for that magazine, etc. etc.  I have some doubts about the veracity of this advice in our present technological society (when was the last time you read a short story for pleasure, let alone one in a magazine?), but it's still a mainstay of professional advice.  Enter Ernest Cline, a man who - as far as I know - has NEVER published a short story in his life.  I don't know if he's ever even written one.  But his first ever novel had almost every major publishing company in a F@$#!%& bidding war over the manuscript.*
      What he HAS done is written and helped direct his own movie: FanBoys.  It's got mixed reviews, but is widely considered a cult classic.  And - as I found out from Ernest Cline's talk - there were hundreds of thousands of fans who created an onslaught of angry emails when one of the directors tried to change the plot.  Talk about a ready-made fan base!  No wonder publishers were willing to take a "risk" on a new author.
      His first book was a crazy-awesome best seller, and deserved to be.  His second novel...hm.  Here's my opinion in a nutshell: it was an intriguing story, with some great characters, and hit a lot of those same nerdy nostalgia notes.  Armada is a more grown-up story than Ready Player One, however, and Cline's writing style didn't adjust the way it should have.  Honestly, it reads hasty in some places, and sloppy in others--like he was under a deadline.**  I think Cline has a lot of talent with language - he's an award winning Slam poet - and he owes it to himself to push his craft.  If you want to read my full review, you can do so here, but let's get back to the awesomeness.

Me working up the courage to ask him to also sign an ancient Sega Genesis game cartridge.  He did.  It's going to be framed in a shadow box and hung over the TV.

      Ernest Cline answered a few questions after he concluded his talk.  A couple were geeky, and a couple were about writing. Here's what I remember (paraphrased, obviously).

SOME GUY IN A YELLOW SHIRT: Would you ever consider writing a novel that isn't about pop culture?

CLINE: Why would I do that?  What else am I going to do--write about unpopular culture?  Some people do that, and they craft some amazing novels.  But that's not for me.  A lot of writers worry about dating themselves by referencing songs or films, but those kinds of things draw me in as a reader.

ME: I also have a writing question.  I'm curious as to why you chose to write both novels in the first person?***

CLINE: I like to really get into my protagonist's head.  My plots can get pretty complex and expansive.  It helps me track the storyline if I can follow it from one character's point of view.  It's also how I'm most comfortable writing.

SOME CHICK ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COURTYARD: My perfect breakfast would be (she listed three names of famous people I couldn't quite catch), and you!  Who would be at your perfect breakfast?

CLINE: Oh, mine already happened!  I got to have breakfast with George R. R. Martin at his house!

      He then went on to tell this awesome story about meeting Martin at a con, Martin seriously digging Cline's DeLorean, and then borrowing the car at a later date for an event.  This was followed by breakfast at his house.  Being me, I tried to ask Cline on his way into the bookstore for signing what they had for breakfast.

I think he answered, "Wheaties"--but I couldn't swear to it.

      As you can easily guess, I now have this crazy daydream where I get to make a decent breakfast for Ernest Cline and George R. R. Martin.  Dude, I can do waaaaay better than "Wheaties."




*That was on day one.  On day two, most of the major movie studios were in a bidding war over the film rights.

**I came across this sentence about 3/4's through: "The metal ladder descended and hit the floor with a metallic clang."  Really?  Metal has a metallic clang to it?  How the hell did that get past the editors?!

***I think the first person was perfect for Ready Player One.  I think it was a mistake in Armada.  Most writers I know start out using first person because we do imagine our stories from the perspective of the main character, but then most of switch back to third person because it allows us to expand story from multiple characters.  Sometimes first person is perfect (Gone Girl being a fabulous recent example) and sometimes third person is perfect (The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe being a timeless example).  You just gotta know which is right.

      Yesterday was National Ice Cream Day (put it on your calendar for next year, folks), and my husband and I celebrated hard.  I woke up this morning at the proverbial butt-crack of dawn for work with my skin literally hurting from too much sugar consumption.  Hello, lean protein and green veggie shakes for a few days...how the hell did I survive childhood again?
      In other news, a dear friend of mine who took a way too long hiatus from her blog has reappeared in the blogosphere, and posted this awesome image the other week.  I think I may get the words tattooed somewhere on my body:

      On Tuesday, I went to my favorite area bookstore and picked up a couple hardcovers, as follows:

A seriously awesome haul

      It's only been a week, but it feels like a long time since I've posted in my blog.  That's because I didn't post mid-week, and every time I've sat down with my laptop for the last month or so, I've been furiously working on my manuscript.  I have a couple fabulous volunteer beta readers working on the first half, and I NEED to get them the second half!  I hate that this alway takes more time than I expect.  Delays include:
1) Frequently shifting work hours
2) Unreliable transportation issues
3) A cat who literally tries the push the laptop off my lap, because that's HER space!
4) Trying to fit in F@*$!%& workouts

      Actually, I don't mind #3 so much...although it does delay things.  Another thing that takes time is, of course, cooking, but food is my primary form of self-care, both emotionally and physically.  So in that spirit, this week I'm sharing my favorite summer health breakfast: Muesli.

      My first exposure to this cold cereal came just a few months ago, when my brother- and sister-in-law served a nice big bowl of bircher muesli as part of a generous brunch spread.  It was gloopy in appearance, which essentially guarantees I would never have tried it as a child.  But as an adult, I love trying new foods, so I took a helping and piled on the berries.  It was so YUM!  Cool and mildly sweet, the oats had taken on a wonderful chewy texture, and the shredded apple and toasted nuts lent a crisp-and-crunch aspect that balanced out the creaminess.  I was delighted.  My husband - who is "meh" on oatmeal at the best of times - was not as enthusiastic.  But the idea that I could mix this all together the night before and have it ready to start my morning was too tempting to pass up, so I gave it a shot.
      Basic bircher muesli is simple: 2 parts yogurt + 1 part rolled oats + 1 part fresh fruit, add nuts and other fruit to taste.  You can also substitute some yogurt for milk or juice, sweeten with honey, etc.  Traditional Swiss recipes include shredded apple, and usually halved grapes.  It's tasty stuff--but not enough to tempt my significant other.  So I tried a non-traditional version with orange segments, and that didn't go over too well with either of us.  But, "Third time's the charm," I told myself, and decided to do what any reckless chef would do: just pick all my favorite flavors and see what happens.
      Which I did.  And the result?  *Fabulous*  My husband would still prefer a muffin (or cake, or pie, or a doughnut), but he said he would happily eat my muesli in the summer, since the flavors were a hit and the texture was perfectly balanced.  I'll call that a win any day.

Z.D.'s Favorite Flavors Bircher Muesli
serves 2 - double/triple as needed

Start with 1 C whole fat coffee flavored yogurt.*  I went with central Ohio's favorite local creamery on this one, Snowville.  They make a Coffee Cardamom yogurt that's just as thick and fabulous as a real Greek yogurt, and it's neither too sweet nor too sour.  If you have this stuff around, I can't recommend it enough.  If you don't, use some other coffee yogurt, and try mixing in 1/4 tsp ground cardamom or cinnamon, depending on your preferences.

Add in 1/2 C rolled oats.  Feel free to be generous, if you want a thicker muesli.  Also, don't use quick oats--they'll just turn to mush, and they're not as good for you.
Sprinkle in 2 T cacao nibs.  These add crunch, a hint of chocolatey bitterness, and a lot of healthy flavinoids.

Next add 1/4 C shelled, roasted pistachios.  I go ahead and use salted ones because a little bit of salt will help emphasize the sweet.  Pistachios are really good for you, and they have a distinct flavor that goes great with the cacao, coffee, and cardamom.

Finally, add 1/2 Asian Pear, peeled, cored, and finely shredded (about 1/2 C).  I like Asian Pears because they're crisp, juicy, and with a mildly sweet flavor.  In this dish, they add crispness and moisture without butting in flavor-wise.

Shredded or, if your grater is in the dishwasher and you don't want to bother with the food processor, julienned.

Now stir all of this up, slap on a lid or some tight plastic wrap, and stick it in the fridge.  It's not the prettiest of foods without the bright berries, I admit, but on a muggy morning it's a cool, nourishing treat.

      I enjoyed this with an herb-laden scrambled egg, fresh tomato, and a small cup of iced coffee.  It was a high-protein, high-nutrient, high-fiber, and low-sugar breakfast.  So it's no surprise that it kept me happy and satisfied until lunch time.  And that meant I was in a better mood when I worked on my manuscript.  And when my cat pushed the laptop off of my lap...again.



*Some of you may be reading this and thinking, "Whole fat? Coffee flavor?? What's wrong with my zero fat Greek-style blueberry yogurt?"  The answer: low nutrient, high sugar.  Plus the flavors won't work as well with the other ingredients.  But seriously, folks, we're done being afraid of fat, especially at breakfast.  You need a certain amount to feel satiated, otherwise you'll just be hungry again soon, and want to snack.  And high sugar (or worse, artificially sweetened) yogurts just send you into insulin spikes, which ALSO make you hungry again much sooner.  So go with some healthy fat, fiber, and low sugar, and experience how delicious health can be!

      Typically, I like to start the day by indulging my sweet tooth.  Having dessert first gives me a reason to get out of bed when I'm feeling utterly grog-tastic.  But lately I seem to be having a savory craving, and lots of egg dishes have been making their way onto my breakfast plate.  I realize I already hit you with Joe's Special only a couple weeks ago, but the farmer's market was experiencing a cross-over of two lovely garden goodies last week, which I simply couldn't pass up.  Specifically: early basil and late garlic scapes.

Meet the food that inspired Dr. Seuss.

     Garlic scapes are the stalks of the garlic plant. They're long, tall, single reeds, with a circular curl and a nobby bud that turns into a kind of white balloon blossom.  Like most herbs, once they blossom (or "bolt") they become bitter, so if you can, get them before that happens.  The flavor is a nice, crispy garlic taste, and diced up they make a nice addition to just about any sautéed vegetable.  But my favorite way to prep them is to use them in lieu of garlic cloves when concocting a tasty pesto.

Z.D.'s Easy Garlic Scape Pesto

Ingredients:
1/2 C walnuts, freshly toasted
1/2 C freshly shredded parmesan cheese
10 mature garlic scapes, rinsed and roughly chopped
1 Cup basil, tightly packed
juice of 1/2 lemon
1/3 Cup olive oil
kosher salt and pepper to taste

Directions:
 - Combine all ingredients in a food processor. Purée using long pulses, and scraping down the sides in between.

Green and beautiful!

      Pesto is one of the best inventions ever.  Toss it with noodles and fresh diced tomatoes for instant summer lunch.  Spread it on french bread and toast it for an easy accompaniment to soup or salad (or put a poached egg on top and call it breakfast, my fav).

     
      You can also stir pesto into scrambled eggs, as in today's breakfast delight: Eggs Scrambled with Garlic Scape Pesto and Serrano Ham.  Except - to be honest - it turns the eggs rather drab olive color, not vibrantly green.  But one bite and you will not care!

Z.D.'s Pesto Eggs with Serrano Ham
2 servings

Ingredients:
butter for greasing the pan
4 large eggs
3 T whole milk
2 - 4 tsp garlic scape pesto, depending on the strength of flavor
1/4 C loosely packed chopped serrano ham
freshly ground pepper

Unlike prosciutto, serrano can take on a bitter note if you try to fry it. I say just let it warm to room temperature and enjoy it's silky texture and amazing flavor as is!

Directions:
 - Melt the butter in a large nonstick skillet over low heat.  As it melts, beat the eggs with the milk until thoroughly homogenized.  Pour into the skillet, and slowly stir with a heat-proof rubber spatula until soft curds begin to form.

 - Raise the heat to medium high and continue to stir non-stop, scraping along the bottom and flipping the curds.  When your eggs are almost half set, sprinkle in the pesto in small dollops.  Give a couple quick stirs, then return to regular stirring.

Not that vibrant green, but such a lovely flavor!

 - When eggs are about 3/4 set, sprinkle in the ham.  Continue to stir/scrape until eggs are almost set, then plate.  Remember, the eggs will finish cooking on the plate from residual heat.  Season to taste with freshly ground pepper.

Don't add salt to the eggs, there's already enough salt in the ham and the pesto.

      A word of caution: every batch of pesto you make is going to taste different.  That's because the herbs will be more or less strong depending on the time of year and how many times the basil has been harvested.  My last batch of garlic scape pesto was delicious, but so garlicky that it could have killed a vampire from 10 feet away.  Fortunately, my husband had eaten the same thing, so we didn't really care.
      Tomorrow (July 6th) is National Fried Chicken Day.  I desperately want to make fried chicken, but I have to work late.  And two of the best fried chicken places in town aren't open on Mondays.  *rolls eyes*  I'm going to try ordering take out from a third...I'll let you know how it turns out.

      I just posted the latest "Shadows on the Sound" podcast episode.  It's about possession.  We had a real priest as our guest (although we knew him back when he was just a big current events nerd in middle school).  And then I freaked myself out by doing a Google Image search for "The Exorcist."
      You've heard/read me say it before: I. Am. A. WIMP.  Total, cringing, mewling, hide-my-head-under-the-covers-and-eat-"Peeps" wimp.  I find the experience of being scared very unpleasant, so I generally avoid it.  But to prepare for recording this podcast 'sode, I needed to do some kind of research into the fiction of it.  So I went to the best known book on the topic: "The Exorcist," by William Peter Blatty.*  Allowing myself to skim some pages so I could focus on the possession-related parts, I read the whole thing in under 24 hours.  And I managed to not be too scared.  Just...disturbed.  Like, really, really disturbed.
      Then I updated the podcast page and needed to find an image to go with, hence the Google Image search.  And here's how much of a wimp I am: just looking at still images from a 1970's horror flick I've never even seen was enough to freak me the fuck out.
      I chose an image of the movie poster.  Then I promptly did a Google Image search of kittens to cleanse my mind.

Here is a kitten in a pile of marshmallows.  Looking at this image is very soothing to me.  And to give due credit, I got it from this website: http://toasty-kittens.deviantart.com/

      That's all I've got for you.  U.S. Independence Day is this weekend, if you're of the right nationality and/or in the right country to celebrate.  I suggest home made ice cream.  I'll also be making absurd amounts of pesto, so be prepared for a pesto-related breakfast post.



*Incidentally, anybody born with the last name "Blatty" is going to be teased like crazy.  S/he will have no other choice than to become a bitter recluse, a famous artist, or a stand-up comedian.