Archive for May 2015

The Undead Depressive Pre-occupation Inventory: Trait Scale

      I recently had the pleasure of spending an hour shooting the breeze with sci-fi/fantasy author Michael Munz for a "Shadows on the Sound" podcast. His conversation was just as delightful as his writing, and I had a ton of fun geeking out on Greek mythology. Personally, I believe that to be a truly great writer* one must have at least a basic grounding in classic literature. That could be Aristotle, or the Bible, or the Epic of Gilgamesh, or all of the above--these are the stories that have molded civilization, they are the foundations of our understanding of humanity and the arch of a well-told tale. The fact that talented novelists can then turn them around and create hilarious works of fiction such as "Zeus is Dead" is just one of the cool results. 
      Anyway, Michael was kind enough to ask me to write a Guest Geek post for his blog! I'd been mulling over a concept for awhile that was a perfect fit. In preparation for an upcoming Con panel, I've been steeping myself in vampire fiction lately (if you've been listening to the podcast, you know what I'm talking about). It's been fun, but frankly the amount of brooding characters I'm encountering is taxing even my melodramatic sensibilities. I found myself pondering deep philosophical questions, such as: "In a brood-off, who would win: True Blood's 'Bill' a la season 3, or 'Angel' a la Angel season 2?" Apart from my gut reaction and conversations with girlfriends after too much riesling, there were no tools for reaching a definitive conclusion. So I decided it was time to put my psychology background to good use, and I created:

The Undead Depressive Pre-occupation Inventory

You may now applaud.

The full UDPI is posted on Michael's blog. It includes a thoroughly-researched, scientifically-based, in-no-ways-totally-absurd justification for this classification system. You should read it.
Here I have only the trait scale for the second piece of the three-part score, as follows:

      So you have a brooding vampire on your hands...but what kind? This 20 question assessment tool is to help determine which traits are expressed as the vampire dwells on unhappy, unresolved issues through decades (if not centuries) of his undead existence!** The assessment results are presented as four letters, and appear as the center part of the complete UDPI score (example: 2005/SGSP/4).

HOW TO USE THIS TRAIT SCALE.

The scale is divided into four sections: Sad/Mad, Isolated/Grouped, Obsessive/Avoidant, and Pacifist/Violent. Each section has five questions. Go through each question, circling the answer you believe is the best fit (sometimes you may feel on the fence, but go with your gut). Then tally your answers in each section. 
Whichever letter was selected most often within the section, that indicates your final answer. For example, if you complete the Sad/Mad section as follows: a) M, b) M, c) S, d) M, e) S, then you have a total of three “mad” and only two “sad” traits, giving you an over-all score of “mad.” That means an “M” will appear as the first letter of your trait score.

 Give it a try for yourself!

Sad/Mad – Whether the vampire’s emotional baseline is primarily melancholy or angry.
a.     When the vampire develops romantic attraction to someone, is he more likely to express this through:
          S: stalking and cryptic messages, or 
          M: killing the enemies of said love interest?
b.     When the vampire is rejected by a love interest, is he more likely to respond by: 
          S: isolating himself, or 
          M: going out and committing acts of violence?
c.     During free time, is the vampire more likely to: 
          S: read books, or 
          M: hunt or train for physical fights?
d.     When the vampire is drinking blood directly from a human, is he more likely to wear a facial expression denoting: 
          S: revulsion and sadness, or 
          M: desperate ferocity?
e.     When fighting mortal enemies, which of the following verbalizations is the vampire more likely to utter? 
          S: Poignant insights, spoken a quiet voice? 
          M: Pointed, witty threats offered in a growling tone?

Isolated/Grouped – Does the vampire typically live alone or with others?
a.     Does the vampire regularly allow others to sleep with him in his coffin? 
          I: No. 
          G: Yes.
b.     Does the vampire reside in a building where other beings – mortal or otherwise – also reside, and welcome the vampire’s presence? 
          I: No. 
          G: Yes.
c.     When the vampire changes residences, do other vampires move with him? 
          I: No. 
          G: Yes.
d.     Does the vampire keep moving to avoid being found by others? 
          I: Yes. 
          G: No.
e.     Is the vampire still tied in daily servitude to his Maker/Master? 
          I: No. 
          G: Yes.

Obsessive/Avoidant – Vampire brooding tends to fixate on an individual, either living or dead (or undead); for convenience, we will refer to this person as the Object Of Fixation, or “OOF” from hereon. This section of the assessment measures whether the vampire hangs around that individual (or, if said individual is dead, hangs around the grave, or places that remind him of the deceased), or prefers to distance himself, physically and/or mentally.
a.     Does the vampire currently reside on a different continent than that where his OOF was last seen? 
          O: No. 
          A: Yes.
b.     Does the vampire carry reminders of his OOF with him, such as photographs, handkerchiefs, locks of hair, dry and crumbling bones, etc? 
          O: Yes. 
          A: No.
c.     Does the vampire regularly visit his OOF’s place of residence while his OOF is asleep without the OOF's knowledge (otherwise known as “stalking”)? 
          O: Yes. 
          A: No.
d.     Has the vampire at any point deliberately sought out other beings who resemble his OOF, either as prey or company? 
          O: Yes. 
          A: No.
e.     If the OOF has told the vampire s/he no longer wants to see him, and later gets into some kind of danger, does the vampire: 
          O: Run to his/her defense, regardless of the OOF’s desires, bracing himself for the unpleasant scene likely to follow, or 
          A: Determinedly stay away, fists clenched, staring fixedly at nothing?

Pacifist/Violent – A brooding vampire is usually either penitent or vengeful. Or both. This may express itself in self-denial and pacifism, or through aggressive acts in the name of justice. Or both. But the primary state at the time of the assessment is to be recorded in the score.
a.     Does the vampire’s diet consist primarily of human blood from live humans? 
          P: No. 
          V: Yes.
b.     When the vampire drinks blood from living humans, does he usually: 
           P: Leave them alive, using his vampire powers to somehow heal and/or hypnotize his victim into tranquil forgetfulness? Or 
          V: Drain them to their death, and then dispose of the body in a dark, oppressive place?
c.     Does the vampire’s daily life consist mainly of: 
          P: academic, political, or otherwise peaceful pursuits to further the well-being of all living animated beings? Or 
          V: relentless hunting down the evil, and protecting those who cannot or will not fight for themselves?
d.     When selecting humans for blood consumption, does the vampire: 
          P: only feed off criminals or other socially abhorrent persons, turning his hateful appetite into a tool for good (despite the awful flavor)? Or 
          V: choose victims who tantalize his superior senses, providing the most satisfaction?
e.     When confronted by a violent enemy, is the vampire’s first response to: 
          P: use the power of words in an attempt to find a resolution where nobody gets hurt, preferably a win/win scenario? Or 
         V: fight with all the hateful powers he posses and attempt to destroy his enemy quickly?

      Check out the full UDPI, and if you apply it to any vampire characters I would LOVE to read your finished score--click on the "comment" button below and send it my way!


*Not saying that I AM a great writer, just that this - along with having a body comprised of approximately 80% H2O - is something great writers and I have in common.

**Confetti!

Breakfast the 14: Double Dairy Berry Cake

      Before I get to the Munch (because it's a weekend, so you know there will be food in this blog post), let me give a few quick geeky-awesome-shout-outs. Firstly: Jeni's Splendid Ice Cream re-opened yesterday. We waited in line for over half an hour before the door opened, and I got to speak with Jeni in person. I made a total idiot out of myself. But she autographed a T-shirt for me.

I should have had her add the date. Oh, well.
      Secondly: new podcast up today, and this is my favorite one so far. Although we've got one on video games coming up that should also be a kick in the pants. Look for "Shadows on the Sound" on iTunes, or just check out the Podcast page of my blog (it's on your left).
      And thirdly: if you're a Game of Thrones fan and haven't seen this spoof-Disney salute to the TV show, then frankly your life is incomplete. I mean really.

      And now, on to the grub! 
Breakfast done right! Serve with a nice herb omelette, some sliced melon, and a good espresso, and there is no way you can get up from the table in a bad mood!
      Berry season is coming up, and hilariously enough I still have some frozen berries squirreled away from last summer. That's because I buy huge amounts when they're at their peak (and cheapest at the farmer's market), and then freeze them for making goodies in the off-season. I'm very conscientious about making them last, so now is the time for me to use up the remainder of those luscious fruits and make room for the new batch!
      Their culinary destiny turned about to be this moist, tender breakfast cake. Now I don't call this a coffee cake because it doesn't have any streusel, which for some reason is a fixture in my mind when it comes to that particular pastry. But don't let yourself be fooled, this cake goes very well with coffee. Or tea. Or drinking chocolate, for that matter.
      Since it includes both yogurt and ricotta, the texture is moist and dense and has a hint of tang, although you'd never confuse it with a cheesecake. For a little extra zip, add a touch of lemon zest--it brings out the dairy and fruit. The finished cake keeps at room temperature for the better part of a week as long as it's covered. Not too sweet, easy to make, and good with both fresh and frozen berries, this confection is an easy win. So enjoy!


 Z.D.'s Double Dairy Berry Breakfast Cake

Ingredients:
1 & 1/2 Cup flour
1 Cup sugar (vanilla sugar is preferable)
1 tsp kosher salt
2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
1 tsp finely grated lemon zest (optional)
3/4 C ricotta cheese (not low-fat)
3/4 C Greek yogurt (again, not low-fat)
1 tsp vanilla extract
dash almond extract
3 large eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 C (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted
1 & 1/2 Cup mixed berries, fresh or frozen, divided

Directions: 
 - Grease the bottom and sides of a 9" cake pan. Line the bottom with parchment paper, and grease that also (I like to use clarified butter for greasing).
Yes, you really do have to grease the parchment.

 - In a large bowl, whisk together the dry ingredients, including the lemon zest (if using).
If you use lemon zest, make sure you grate the zest directly into the dry ingredients, so no micro-droplets of flavorful citrus oil are wasted!

 - In a medium bowl, beat together the cheese, yogurt, extracts, and eggs. Once combined, beat in the butter until thoroughly mixed.
If your eggs are too cold, or your butter too hot, you can actually cook the egg by adding in the hot butter too quickly. So let the butter cool a couple minutes, then drizzle it in while whisking, just to be on the safe side.

 - Fold the wet ingredients into the dry until almost combined, then fold in 1 & 1/4 Cup of the berries. Scrape into your prepared cake pan and smooth the top.
This is a thick batter, but the cake won't be overly dense, I promise.

 - Scatter the 1/4 Cup fresh berries on top, then bake for 55 - 65 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.
I used all red berried inside the cake (raspberries and chopt strawberries) and I used only blueberries for the top, for a pretty color contrast.

 - Cool completely on a baking rack, then lightly loosen the sides with a thin knife and carefully unmold.
If you use a dark, nonstick pan (which works best), be prepared for the edges of the cake to bake a little faster. So watch this carefully towards the end of the baking time, and test with a toothpick in the middle, and take it out the moment you think it's done--don't let it over-bake!

      I actually left this cake in the pan and covered with plastic wrap for storage. Every day for four days, my husband and I took a slice each as part of our breakfast, and the pan/wrap combo kept the cake perfectly. If you decided to wanted to make this cake a bit sweeter and serve it with afternoon tea, I would try plating it and then drizzling each serving with just a touch of honey.
      This next week sees back in the Pacific Northwest hanging out with family, but I will update the blog. I'll see if I can sneak in some family recipes...or at least photos of what we're eating, to make you jealous!

Breakfast the 13: Granola

      I kind of wish I had something scarier for Breakfast the 13th. It would be very appropriate if I had something horror-themed, or at least unlucky, like a coffee cake in the shape of a broken mirror.* But instead, I have something very practical, nutritious, and (of course) tasty to share with you: granola. I guess there are some people who don't like granola, so...BOO! Ha haaa, scary Breakfast the 13th!
     Ahem. Anyways, now that the weather is warming up, my interest in hot breakfasts has diminished accordingly. I prefer to keep my oven and stove in the "off" position for as long as possible, so bread puddings and cinnamon rolls are out. Instead, I'm going for cold breakfasts--or at the very least things that I can cook quickly and/or over low heat, and then eat cold for several days. Most American grocery stores have an entire aisle dedicated to boxed Breakfast Cereal, which fits these requirements perfectly. But the cost of a box of cereal has gotten absurdly high for what you get, and the carbon footprint is enormous. Not to mention the sugar to whole grain ratio is on the tragic side. It's cheaper and healthier - for you AND the planet - to make your own.

Just add some milk or yogurt, and viola! Breakfast!
      Let me start out by saying that I have not always liked granola. I wasn't a fan of nuts in my cereal as a child, and I was somewhat ambivalent regarding raisins. Then, when I was a kid, my grandfather ate a very popular brand of granola that included hard, metallic-sweet nodules he told me were "dates." The dates killed it for me entirely. Since then, two things have happened: a) this popular brand has stopped putting dates in their granola, and b) I've eaten tender, sweet, delicious whole dates, thereby discovering what this middle eastern staple is actually supposed to taste like. I also started making my own granola. With the ability to tweak the ingredients and flavors came a whole new appreciation for this dish, and since then it's become a favorite in my household (you know you've done something right when your husband tells you he wants you to make granola rather than coffee cake for breakfast).
      There are lots of good granola recipes out there, and I've stolen bits from several as I've refined my own favorite. Here I'll include some tips for tweaking it at the end, and I encourage you to be creative with each new batch you bake!

Z.D.'s Basic Double-Nut Granola

Ingredients:
3.5 Cups old fashioned rolled oats
1/2 Cup sliced almonds
1/2 Cup chopped pecans
2/3 Cup shredded, unsweetened coconut
3 Tablespoons brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon (heaping) kosher salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon (heaping) ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
2.5 Tablespoons coconut oil
3 Tablespoons honey
2 Tablespoons maple syrup (the real stuff)

Directions:
 - Pre-heat your oven to 300º F, and line a half-sheet rimmed baking pan with parchment paper.
Trust me, you want a lot of over-hang on the edges to prevent spillage when you stir.
 - In a large bowl, combine the oats, nuts, coconut, and sugar. Sprinkle on the salt and spices, and toss well to combine.
Looks healthy!
 - In a small pan over low heat, melt together the oil, honey, and maple syrup, whisking frequently until homogenous. Drizzle into dry ingredients and toss to combine.
This adds sweetness, helps the granola come together in small clumps, and also helps it brown evenly.
 - Spread evenly in lined baking sheet and transfer to oven. Bake for 12 minutes, then stir. Return to the oven for another 12 minutes, then remove and stir again, making sure to bring the bits from the edges into the middle of the pan. Return to the oven.
It will still look raw after your first couple stirs.
 - Bake for another 10 minutes, then remove and stir again. By now you're probably wondering if this recipe works, because despite 34 minutes in the oven your mixture has yet to look brown. Well, pop it in for another 10 minutes, and I promise at that point your granola will have a lovely golden hue (assuming your oven isn't broken).
By the time this comes out of the oven, it's going to smell unreasonably good.


*That sounds...difficult to digest.

And a healthy sense of irony.

      I stand by my rant a few days ago. It was a legitimate expression of reasonable thoughts and feelings. But, I also have enough self-awareness to admit that I typically don't like other people's rants as blog posts. In person, rants can be far more entertaining. And occasionally a truly well-written rant is a glorious thing to read. However, I won't flatter myself that I number among those talented composers of fury given form.
      Rather, in keeping my first footnote, I created a comic expressing my sentiments regarding my reactions when I hear many people say they've "read a statistic." You know the expression: There are lies, damn lies, and then there are statistics? That's because statistics are only as good as the research and math behind them. And even the results of the best research are hard data, which is open to interpretation any damn way you want. When I hear someone who I know to be an intelligent, thoughtful person start a sentence with "I recently read a statistic," I'm genuinely curious and interested in what they have to say. On the other hand, when I hear that same opening from a person I know to be a nincompoop, I brace myself for stupidity. This comic was written in that spirit.
      I made the comic on paper, I don't have a scanner, just cope. And feel free to share it, but copyright is mine, all rights reserved, blah blah blah. Enjoy.









"If you find yourself feeling disillusioned, have you asked yourself why you had illusions in the first place?"

I recently came across a statistic* that deeply troubled me. (Although considering where I read it - a book entitled Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and the Triumph of Spectacle - I really shouldn't be all that surprised.) The author claimed that a full third of U.S. high school graduates never read another book in their lives. Well, that was sad, but upon reflection it didn't surprise me all that much. No, what astonished me was his next statement: that 42% of U.S. college graduates never read another book in their lives.

      Correction: that didn't astonish me, it stunned me to the core.

      And the more I think about it, the more angry I become. Yes, angry. Before I go any further, I should point out that Chris Hedges, the author of the book that inspired this rage, notes BLAH, BLAH, and BLAH as his references, and I have not yet double-checked his claims. But he's a Pulitzer prize winner, so I'm assuming that somebody important already fact-checked the book,** and allowing myself to plunge freely into rant-hood.

      Nearly half of all U.S. college graduates never read another book in their lifetime. In their entire lives--not one book! Ok, non-fiction and the heavy language of literary classics aren't for everyone, I can understand a lot of people choosing not to pore over such works in their spare time, but I'm fairly sure these make up an ever increasingly small percentage of the books out there. Apparently, neither do these people read a cozy mystery, or a YA fantasy, or even a coffee-table book full of cat jokes! 

      At first I wasn't sure I really believed it. I pondered it this way and that, the way my statistics professors encouraged me to do. I thought about the different ways the researchers might have defined a "college graduate," and wondered about periodicals vs. books. But then I thought of a personal acquaintance of mine. The gentleman in question is a physician - a surgeon - who by all the contemporary standards of Western Civilization is a truly successful man. He's achieved high academic, familial, and physical goals. Financially he's living the American Dream, owning his own clinic with a large clientele, allowing him to work less than 30 hours a week and still own an enormous - and I mean ENORMOUS - house. I've visited his home, and it is not only handsome, it is large enough to comfortably host at least a dozen people, and everyone would have plenty of space. 

      And here's the thing: there's not a single book in the house. Not. A single. Book.

      When this realization struck me, I felt the full truth of that statistic. Because in no part of its definition does the ideal of Western success include reading.

      Maybe what this truly reveals is not the state of humanity, but the severity of my own sheltered existence. Because I grew up with books. My family's home literally had books in every room, except a couple bathrooms (note that I do not say "all the bathrooms"). My extended family read books. My peers and I were always reading something for school. And all of my friends - past and present - read. Which isn't to say they are all great readers. My husband, for example, is an undeniably intelligent man, but rarely reads for pleasure. I'd say maybe two or three times a year he'll find a book he really likes, and then rapidly consumes its content. Another few months will go by and the only things I'll see him read will be Slate articles and video game reviews. But he respects books, and one of our cherished dreams is to some day have a home large enough to contain a library: a room dedicated to housing the books we love, a shrine to the written word we can share with all our acquaintance.

      Now I am not so naive as to think that everyone shares this value. But apparently I was sufficiently ignorant as to think that everyone who bothered with higher education does, at least in part. And that's one of the things that angers me about this statistic: it feels as though I have been subjected to a lie. This lie was that people who go to college have at least some appreciation of knowledge for knowledge's sake, that these institutions of reason call to the intellectually minded, a siren song promising wisdom for all who are willing to do the requisite work. Even if that's not the primary reason for college, even if it's not what people take away from college, I thought this was a percentage of their drive. But of course not. Most people go to college to get better jobs, make more money. For them, the reading is at best a tool, and at worst a hurdle to be leapt o'er (or in some way avoided). And I think...what a waste. 

      What a waste of money. What a waste of time. What a waste of the efforts of all those teachers who dedicate their careers to furthering the knowledge of others. What a waste of buildings, of energy, and of books! And most of all - and I write this with a face screwed in disgust - what a waste of brains.

      I say a new system of academic funding is required. For each book read after college, the interest rate on your college debt should decrease. My debt would have been eradicated in less than half the time. You?

      The other thing that makes me angry is this sick, optional privilege of ignorance. Because in the United States, it is an option not to read. In other parts of the world there is no choice: either the materials are unavailable, or else the risks involved are terrifyingly great. Yes, risks--life and death risks. There are parts of the world where people are beaten, imprisoned, or even killed for reading. Get that? KILLED FOR READING. That Barnes & Noble you walk past in the mall? It is literally full of thousands of things that could result in someone being shot for possessing. That's the over-whelming bloat of our privilege. And it is also a privilege to casually ignore them, having that glut of material within easy reach and choosing instead to watch the latest episode of whatever reality show is popular right now.

      Don't get me wrong, I am not decrying the pleasures of other media. Haven't we already established I'm a regular movie goer and an unabashed anime geek? While my weekly hours of television viewing are about half the national average, they can be counted on both hands. But I would never give up reading in favor of watching more TV. It just doesn't fulfill me in the same way. It literally doesn't effect my brain in the same way. It's just not the person I want to be.

      I suppose a lot of people will read this and raise their eyebrows at my reaction to that 42%--either because of my vehemence or my surprise. Now that I've written out all my thoughts on the subject, I comprehend the near-sightedness of my assumptions. Like the majority of the human race, I based my beliefs about people on those around me, and I surrounded myself with people who reflected my own values. How utterly green of me. But this whole thing makes me want to curl up somewhere with a big chocolate bar and a copy of Fahrenheit 451. And it makes me want to read and surround myself with readers more than ever. Because I embrace reading the same way some people embrace a diet, or an exercise regime, or even a religion: it is a self-imposed ritual that I deeply, irrevocably believe will result in a betterment of the self. And I also believe that if more people did so, the world would be a better place.



*Yes, run...any time you see a blog post, article, or essay beginning with this sentence, RUN!

**The book, incidentally, is very interesting, and warrants a discussion all on its own--but I'll wait until I've finished it.

Roasted Strawberry Balsamic Sherbet

      I should be working on my manuscript; I have a couple precious hours of no work and no chores, and I really, REALLY should be working on my manuscript--but not before I share this awesome recipe!
      There's been a heat wave in Central Ohio for the last week, and Jeni's Splendid Ice Cream - the best thing to come out of Ohio since nominating Lincoln to run for president - has been closed. There was a listeria thing. Nobody got sick. But all the ice cream was dumped. And there has been many a tear of anguish.
       It left me with no choice but to make some of my own. My mother-in-law visits tomorrow, so I wanted it to be something extra delicious for her. So I made this...and it's everything you could ever want in a frozen dessert.

Z.D.'s Roasted Strawberry Balsamic Sherbet 

Ingredients:
4 Cups strawberries, green tops trimmed
1 Cup vanilla sugar
2 Tbs quality balsamic vinegar
1 & 1/3 Cup milk (not skim)
1/3 Cup plain Greek yogurt
1/8 tsp kosher salt

Directions:
 - Pre-heat your oven to 400º F. Halve or quarter berries into chunks roughly all the same size, place in a large glass baking dish and toss with the sugar (if the vanilla bean pieces from your vanilla sugar fall in, that's a good thing)! Roast in the oven for 30 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes. Remove from oven, allow to cool to room temperature.

Yeah, I didn't have time to take a lot of pictures. Here are the strawberries, BEFORE I cut them, tossed them with sugar, or roasted them. Y'know, in case you've never seen a strawberry before.
 - Stir the vinegar into the milk, and allow to sit for 5 minutes. Pour milk into a blender, followed by the yogurt and salt. Pour in the strawberries (removing any bits of vanilla bean), then blend on high speed until thoroughly combined. Chill for at least two hours, then give another quick burst of blending.

 - Pour into your ice cream maker, and churn according to the directions. Scrape into a freezable, sealable container, and freeze at least six hours before serving.
Your finished product with have a pale, dusty rose color, and a rich, not-overly sweet strawberry flavor.

      I'ma serve this tomorrow with a bittersweet chocolate brownie and a cup of earl grey tea. That's just how I roll.

The Perpetual Tragedy of Time

      My old job is ending. I got a new job. This means that I will continue to be able to buy delicious food, and pay the electric bill that powers my laptop, enabling me to write. Yeeeaaay!
      However, it also entails a major shifting and re-settling of my schedule. This means for awhile, I'm not sure when I'll find the time to do my chores, buy my groceries, and make my meals, much less write stories and update the blog. Boooooo!
      The time stress is compounded by the Well-Deserved Celebration of All Things Maternal this weekend. So this is a short post to say: Readers, I love you. All twelve of you.* But I cannot guarantee regular postings for a couple weeks. While I figure out what the f@$% my world is going to look like for a little bit, priorities will be shifted, and my happy pattern of posting about writing during the week and a recipe on the weekend may take a hiatus. I'm not saying I won't post until June, I'm just saying be prepared for the schedule to be a bit wonky.
      I feel a bit wonky.
      Of course, that may have been the mojito. Not 100% sure on that.




*Ok, I don't know for a fact that it's only twelve, but here modesty and cynicism will collaborate to create what seems to be a reasonable number.

Breakfast the 12: French Toast

      There is little doubt that when it comes to cuisine, the French have it down. Within most ethnic palates, you run the gamut from snacky street food to fine dining (Japanese food, for example, offers everything from Chef Morimoto's Waikiki restaurant to the Yummy Teriyaki down the street).  But for the French, even their street snacks (crepes,* for example) have a level of sophistication that demand respect. So it's not wonder that their version of toast is better than normal! Rather than simply taking a slice of stale bread and disguising the flavor by toasting it, first they soak it in a custard, then they fry it in butter, then they add MORE butter and pour syrup on top!

I think my skillet loves it when I do this.
      Or maybe not...for all I know, the French didn't even invent the stuff, just like they didn't invent french fries. But who cares, french toast is bloody delicious, and really it's one of the easiest things to make, so long as you know the proper way to treat ingredients!
      When I was growing up, my father made french toast on weekends with regular, pre-sliced white sandwich bread, fresh from the plastic bag. And since I got to pour maple syrup all over it, I liked it just fine! But it only takes a few servings of french toast at various restaurants to realize that there are many, many variations out there. Some are good, some are not so good, and some are amazing. I've experimented with several recipes myself, and honestly there are about three versions I cycle through, depending on my mood. Today, my mood went back to the classic, a standard french toast recipe that's thick, and flavorful, and lovely on a drizzly spring morning.

Z.D.'s Basic French Toast with Walnuts and Bananas
serves two, multiply as desired

Ingredients:
6 slices French bread, about 1" thick, left out overnight to go stale**
6 eggs
1/2 Cup whole milk, divided
1 teaspoon vanilla
generous pinch kosher salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/3 Cup raw walnut pieces
clarified butter for greasing the pan (or unsalted, or shortening, or whatever)

To get the bread properly stale, I leave my slices out all night on their edges--if you lay them flat, the top will get stale, but the bottom will not.
Directions: 
 - Select a dish with sides at least 1" high, big enough to hold all your slices of toast side by side, but not with too much extra space. Crack your eggs directly into this dish.
My experience has taught me that good french toast almost inevitably requires one egg per slice of bread.
 - Add half of the milk, vanilla, salt, and spices. Beat thoroughly to combine. Your custard should be about as thick as natural cream, and a light but distinct yellow color. If it's too thick, add more milk until it reaches desired consistency.
And then...whisk!
 - Set in your slices of stale bread so they are flat, side by side. Allow to soak for about 8-10 minutes.
You want all your bread to lay flat, but without a bunch of extra space, since that means the custard is spread out and won't absorb as easily.
 - In the meantime, heat a large, dry skillet over medium heat. Throw in your walnut pieces and toast, stirring every few minutes, until fragrant and starting to turn golden in spots. Remove from heat and set aside.
Toasting nuts have to be one of the best smells in the world!
 - Turn over your toast and allow the dry side to soak up the remaining custard. If you find that your bread has absorbed too much and there are dry spots on the bottom of your soaking dish, break another egg or two into a cup, add a Tablespoon of milk and a dash of cinnamon and vanilla. Beat the heck out of it, then pour it into your pan and tilt so that it reaches the bottoms of all the bread. Allow 4-5 minutes to soak.
That's what you're looking for!
 - Wipe out your skillet with a clean, damp cloth, and place over medium-high heat. Grease lightly with clarified butter (or whatever). Check your slices of bread: if there are any that have dry spots or hard crust, let them soak longer. If you have pieces that are nicely soaked through, lay them in your hot pan. Cook for a minute, then reduce the heat to medium.
Just keep the first pieces warm in a low temperature oven.
 - Cook for another 2-3 minutes or until brown on one side. Flip, and cook until the other side is nicely browned and the toast is cooked through, about 3-4 minutes. Repeat with remaining slices.
It never ceases to amaze me how much custard that bread soaks up!
 - Top with toasted walnuts, sliced bananas, and a drizzle of syrup (or in this case, caramel sauce).
Now THAT's breakfast!
      Of course there are other ways to top french toast, including strawberries and whipped cream, good quality fruit preserves, powdered sugar and maple syrup, or even ice cream. Or you could go a savory route and make a Monte Cristo sandwich (YUMMM)! For other variations, try switching out your spices: instead of cinnamon, try a double dose of cardamom, or maybe ground grains of paradise! You can also add a bit of honey or maple syrup to the custard for an extra touch of sweetness. But whatever you do, eat the toast while it's warm and fragrant, and don't make so much that you can't eat it all in one sitting--re-heating french toast is an exercise in rubbery flavorlessness. It's better to make a fresh batch from scratch!



*Yes, I will do a post on crepes in the near future. Promise.

**Why stale bread? Because it absorbs the custard more quickly, and retains more of it while cooking. And the custard bath is where your flavor is!

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